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Not Knowing

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“Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all.” – Pema Chodron, Buddhist Monk, teacher, author

Isn’t our day made up of mostly not knowing, the kind of ongoing “not knowing” like if our appointments will be on time, or not knowing if we used enough deodorant? Certainly the not knowing Pema Chodron refers to is of the deeper and inner personal variety, but not knowing is part of being human and living this life. We, westerners seem to want certainty and security in our lives, in our jobs, families, leaders and in our day-to-day.

Insurance was created to offer security and guarantees for people. Be it life, home or medical; insurance exists to ideally offer a safety net against bad things happening, the unknown. It is a growth industry that we pay regularly almost as a gamble should we have a mishap and need resources to get us through. Insurance is like hedging our bets. We want to know there is a limit to our risk. Yet times are changing and even the insurers aren’t comfortable with the risk and “not knowing” anymore.

Many of us may want to control or mitigate that feeling of not knowing. Maybe we are facing something about ourselves, like not knowing how we come across to others versus how we imagine we come across ? Or do we do things that may distract us from what we don’t know and can’t control? Not knowing is uncomfortable but what if we embraced not knowing? Or at the very least accepted and expected it, allowing for there to be room for the not knowing in our lives? Can we leave room for not knowing and in that space also hold onto a sense of calm, and maybe even feel some quiet joy, in the face of not knowing what is next?

If we’d grown up understanding “not knowing “as a healthy and inevitable part of being alive, we might reframe the fear that the feeling of not knowing can invoke, and treat it as “mystery”. Mystery is more about curiosity and wonder, and that energy might better serve us when we allow room for not knowing.

As Seneca, a Stoic philosopher wrote, “The whole future lives in uncertainty: live immediately.”

Words Less Used?

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Sometimes when you see or hear a word or expression you wonder, why don’t we use that one more often? Do we remember the meaning? Words like “thwarted”, which isn’t a wart with a lisp , but rather means to be prevented or blocked from doing something. It is nice to find words that describe exactly what is being experienced. Remember when we were learning the meaning of words as a child? It felt like a struggle to enlarge one’s vocabulary, wondering why we needed more words to mean a similar thing, like sad. Maybe nowadays we use the word depressed too much instead of alternates, like sad or could say melancholy and better describe our pensive reflection? Would we get another’s good attention if we said we felt melancholy?

How about being “hoodwinked,” as in tricked or deceived ? That feels kind of lighter sounding and allows one to laugh at oneself to say they were hoodwinked. “Downtrodden”describes a person who is beaten down by life and their circumstances, maybe even grey in appearance. In the dictionary it has a strong meaning of being abused or oppressed by people of power. Do we tend to now use the definition of words used in the past more than the words they originally defined? Hmmmmm

To be “cheeky” is more a British term, like to be fresh or outspoken. It is fun to incorporate new words to describe our feelings or a situation as it gets people’s attention if they haven’t heard it before. Gobsmacked was used by an American actress in a TV interview and the interviewer and most of the audience didn’t know the word. Perhaps they were gobsmacked. “Gobsmacked “: to be utterly astounded; flabbergasted.

Being “vexed” over something, to be perturbed or worried; or how about using “surly:” gruff, sullenly ill-humored ? That could fit many of our current life experiences or feelings. Maybe we can reintroduce some less used words and phrases into our day to day and gobsmack some friends?

Grow Belonging

Anne 4 Comments

Grow belonging. A rare word combination, yet its’ meaning seems clear. The idea that humans seek to belong, and the feeling of not belonging is referenced often in the ways we might feel separate or on the outside of something. Yet what if we each had the ability to “grow belonging”, to nurture and tend to those belonging seeds for ourselves? Then as time moved along our sense of belonging would grow, and it would be ours, inside of us.

In some cultures and communities people are asked “Who do you belong to?” meaning who are your people, ancestors or relatives. Many of us may not feel we belong to anyone or any group even if we can answer that question. Maybe someone’s belonging is situational, meaning as long as you have that job, or live in that neighborhood, or are married to that person, you belong to that group and have an “identity”.

But external connections can shift and change. In those cases, then who do we belong to, or where? Belonging to oneself seems a new possibility to consider. Especially having the ability to “grow” it.

Grow belonging. Maybe when we find ourselves in new circumstances, like a new community or experience, we can also find ways to share our authentic self as we grow belonging. No matter our age we may need to grow belonging in new and different ways as our life takes new turns or changes. Ideally we know how to grow those belonging seeds, as well as keep them healthy.

The Power of Mutual Trust

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Every kind of peaceful cooperation among (men) is primarily based on mutual trust and only secondarily on institutions such as courts of justice and police. –Albert Einstein

Quotes can be a wonderful way to slow us down and have us ponder. Thinking about it, when a group of people are working on something together, more can be accomplished and more quickly when they share a high level of trust. Trust takes time to develop as many of us know. Trust means we can rely on each other, that there is a shared understanding and respect, enhancing the cooperation and communication. Trust is foundational to genuine and solid relationships, at both the micro and macro levels.

Do we engage in the same way with those we do not trust? Trust partly grows over time and experience with a person or situation. Did we take trust for granted in our past? Is trust harder to gain these days? Growing up forty or more years ago did we live in a world where we mostly trusted people, from our parents, to friends, to any of the professionals or leaders we encountered? Or maybe trust wasn’t as common as some of us thought.

Does trust in our day-to-day life seem the same or different? Is it absent in some situations that we used to trust implicitly and now those same situations we question? One assumes we still share mutual trust with the people in our orbit we have trusted over the years. Do we?

Are we more careful now in terms of trust as we meet new people and do new things? In tumultuous times a lot depends on each one of us and how we choose to act and engage. If mutual trust is the basis for peaceful cooperation, it speaks to the powerful impact of trust, and that of being a trustworthy person.

Hold the Moment

Anne 4 Comments

These days we often are reminded to stay present, breathe, slow down, be in the now, be mindful; all are different ways to get our attention to be in our bodies. Of course we have to make plans into the future or we’d never get anything done, yet there is a way to be aware in the present as we plan ahead. And for dwelling in the past, we can find ourselves ruminating on something that happened months or years ago. The best place to spend as much time as possible is RIGHT NOW. That can mean savoring each detail of our cup of tea or coffee as we make it, from the cup we choose to our favorite spot to enjoy it. Or how we pay attention to our pet when they come to us for attention, maybe noticing the feel of their fur, eye contact and that tail action. As a human, often our thoughts are elsewhere rather than enjoying the simpleness of where we are and what we are doing right now.

Sometimes a special moment finds us, we feel it and want to capture it in our mind’s eye, to commit it to memory. Beyond reaching for a camera, we can remind ourselves to “Hold the moment”. Have you ever been in a situation you know you want to remember, and somehow give yourself a hint to be able to retrieve it when need be? Maybe your parents are dancing in the kitchen, or you have a laughing attack with a dear friend, or it is snowing the first day of summer. “Hold the moment” often pertains to the feeling inside of us the moment evokes. It seems another way to appreciate something special as it is happening right in front of us.

Frenzy

Anne 7 Comments

It feels like we are in some kind of frenzy on the planet right now. Frenzy defined as a violent agitation, mania, a craze, temporary madness or delirium. Yes, that is what it can feel like when we hear all the goings on in this moment. Sometimes it can seem hard to discern what is what. If memory serves, we are not used to so much intense calamity piled on top of one another, again and again, over and over. Part of the calamity includes a sense of chaos without any grown up style resolution or problem solving. It feels like we are being constantly pummeled with never-ending gobsmacking events worldwide. We don’t want to become numb but it also is hard to be available daily to process the latest whatever and figure out what action or response might be ours to do. With constant news of chaos and violent acts, it can feel like a hate frenzy of some sort when taken in all at once. Overload and harsh.

And what happens to a frenzy? Does it wear itself out? Get something sobering poured on it suddenly to drop the voltage? And in the face of frenzy, what do the rest of us do? What is the opposite of being in a frenzy or part of one? Being in a calm, cool and collected place? Sounds like we need to pay attention to ourselves, or inner selves to stay in a calm, cool and collected state so as not to feed the frenzy around us, and in the world. And support others around us who also want to stay calm. We can support each other in a frenzied worldwide time. Maybe our calmer energy can help to quiet the frenzied energy? Let us trust that is how this works.

As Winston Churchill said, ” Stay Calm and Carry On”.

Self-Actualization

Anne 4 Comments

Self-actualization, or being the best a person can be is considered one of the higher evolutionary needs of being human. Abraham Maslow, a prominent American psychologist in the 1940s developed this theory. He identified that humans had 5 levels of needs that motivate them, a hierarchy if you will. Imagine a pyramid shape, with level 1 starting at the bottom. Maslow’s theorized that there was a natural progression of needs for an individual and until one level was met it wasn’t possible to be motivated to the next level.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory states that until Basic Physiological needs (level 1) are met (having enough water, food and shelter) then a person cannot think much beyond their survival. Once Basic needs are met then Safety needs (level 2) come into focus. This includes ways to keep oneself safe through having stability, security of sorts etc. A person needs a foundation and build each level onto that. Level 3 is about Love and Belonging which is that of connection to others, intimacy, family, friends, community. Esteem is something earned over time as part of Level 4, that sense of respect, social status and recognition in the larger world but also self- esteem.

For level 5, Self-Actualization, in Maslow’s era it generally became part of one’s latter years, when one retired and had more leisure time. (Yet in recent decades with more leisure time, many people seem to get involved in self-growth and actualization well before age 65.) Maslow saw an interest for some people to question, seek in an effort to be better versions of themselves, for self-improvement and self-fulfillment. To reach self-actualization required engaging in introspection, exploration and contemplation. This is a big part of human development, motivated to seek and understand more about ourselves and the world.

To age deliciously, would this be considered level 5? With knowledge earned, certain experiences under our belt, plus more opportunity for self-exploration, would it seem remiss to not ask more of ourselves in terms of being our best? We can make time to quietly reflect and contemplate our own reactions in a situation and how we might wish them to be different ? Or if we paused we could change the direction of an interaction or our own internal awareness? What happens when we fully listen and don’t feel a need to say anything? Or what makes us feel agitated inside our body? Paying quiet attention is active when we actually are listening, feeling, checking in with ourselves in the moment. It can lead to a conscious and powerful shift.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs doesn’t assume that every person works through each level in their lifetime, particularly if their basic needs haven’t been met. Yet is a hierarchy still valid? Might now we be more likely to flow through the needs differently? Astrologist Pam Gregory suggested for example, in this current potent planetary energy, we have the opportunity to become our own spiritual hero.

The process of self-actualization might be compared to when the oyster has to deal with sand inside their shell. The sand is an irritant and the oyster wants to feel better so it works around it, eventually creating a beautiful pearl. Through discomfort and paying attention to ourselves in new and honest ways, it can lead to important changes, or pearls of wisdom. We can add these pearls to our life strand and journey. Honest self-exploration seems a healthy aspect of aging deliciously, taking the opportunity to look within, again and again.

The Idea of Deserving

Anne 2 Comments

In reading the novel “Sister of My Heart” by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, a line on page 301 stood out.

“… love is never about deserving, is it? Nor is hate. “

Whether this sounds like a truism or not, it seemed curious enough to ponder. We might not often think about the deserving part of feelings, like love and hate. In terms of deserving hate, what came to mind were the innocent or unprovoked ways one might be on the receiving end, like being born a certain way or in a certain place. How do these feelings manifest?

Years ago a sociology professor discussing “isms” tried to illustrate the value of being aware of our own personal worldviews. She described the worldview as the individual lens we each see through and filter our own experiences. Whether we grew up in a nuclear family, orphanage, poor, well off, healthy, sickly, male, female, skin color, country of origin etc, all those things and more make up our personal worldview and “biases” through which we experience the world. We may not want to change our worldview, but it seems important to understand what it is and own it. Our choices and behaviors emerge from our specific worldview, a worldview if not examined, we might think is everyone’s way of thinking, feeling, or responding.

We might be acting on an unexamined feeling or bias, one particular to ourselves; a micro experience rather than a larger shared view. For instance, maybe we had a strong experience with a red-haired person. We might then have an unexplored bias against anyone with red hair; maybe an aversion, never hired them, dated them etc..Or the opposite. A bias towards red haired people. Whichever, we had a feeling and then acting on it, in this case, affecting our response to red haired people.

“Knowledge is power” as the saying goes. And another one (Plato?) is “An unexamined life isn’t worth living.” Circling back on this notion …” love is not about deserving it, nor is hate.” It takes courage to invest in self-knowledge, to understand our motivations and our worldview, whether we want to make changes or not. At least we might better understand our own “love and hate” responses.

Optimism or Pessimism?

Anne 1 Comment

There is a saying someone said that they’d rather be an optimist and be wrong than to be a pessimist and be right. Because the time while they are optimistic they are happier and more productive up to when things may not work out. Being an optimist doesn’t mean not being realistic, informed or serious, it just can mean this is a choice or way of choosing to see possibility in a situation. Another saying that comes to mind is “Nothing was invented by a pessimist.” Invention is about creating something new that hasn’t existed in exactly that form before. It seems in difficult times new or fresh ways of seeing things are necessary more than ever, yet harder to find when we feel pessimistic. How we participate and most likely creatively solve some issues will emerge from a positive mindset and heart, especially once clutter, rubble and confusion dies down. Chaos could be seen as an opportunity?

Maybe that is a tall order. But we are in charge of our minds and hearts. Of course the energy and people around us affect, and infect us. We need to be discerning about what we allow around and into our bodies, minds and souls. That means where we spend our time, energy and resources any given day or week is what will most impact us and how we feel, think and act.

Having positive windows of time to do those things we know fill us up or calm us down are important to include as part of our day. Maybe ensure we have a positive chat with a friend, go on a brisk walk, create something, or be in nature. Whatever we love and know helps fill us up, now is the time to ensure we include that in our day-to-day. We can also be part of and invite larger circles of mutual support for ourselves. Having the right kind of support is an important aspect of change of any kind. And support can help us feel less alone and maybe more of an optimist?