“Smile, Breathe and Go Slowly” — Thich Nhat Hanh
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Hold the Moment
These days we often are reminded to stay present, breathe, slow down, be in the now, be mindful; all are different ways to get our attention to be in our bodies. Of course we have to make plans into the future or we’d never get anything done, yet there is a way to be aware in the present as we plan ahead. And for dwelling in the past, we can find ourselves ruminating on something that happened months or years ago. The best place to spend as much time as possible is RIGHT NOW. That can mean savoring each detail of our cup of tea or coffee as we make it, from the cup we choose to our favorite spot to enjoy it. Or how we pay attention to our pet when they come to us for attention, maybe noticing the feel of their fur, eye contact and that tail action. As a human, often our thoughts are elsewhere rather than enjoying the simpleness of where we are and what we are doing right now.
Sometimes a special moment finds us, we feel it and want to capture it in our mind’s eye, to commit it to memory. Beyond reaching for a camera, we can remind ourselves to “Hold the moment”. Have you ever been in a situation you know you want to remember, and somehow give yourself a hint to be able to retrieve it when need be? Maybe your parents are dancing in the kitchen, or you have a laughing attack with a dear friend, or it is snowing the first day of summer. “Hold the moment” often pertains to the feeling inside of us the moment evokes. It seems another way to appreciate something special as it is happening right in front of us.
Frenzy
It feels like we are in some kind of frenzy on the planet right now. Frenzy defined as a violent agitation, mania, a craze, temporary madness or delirium. Yes, that is what it can feel like when we hear all the goings on in this moment. Sometimes it can seem hard to discern what is what. If memory serves, we are not used to so much intense calamity piled on top of one another, again and again, over and over. Part of the calamity includes a sense of chaos without any grown up style resolution or problem solving. It feels like we are being constantly pummeled with never-ending gobsmacking events worldwide. We don’t want to become numb but it also is hard to be available daily to process the latest whatever and figure out what action or response might be ours to do. With constant news of chaos and violent acts, it can feel like a hate frenzy of some sort when taken in all at once. Overload and harsh.
And what happens to a frenzy? Does it wear itself out? Get something sobering poured on it suddenly to drop the voltage? And in the face of frenzy, what do the rest of us do? What is the opposite of being in a frenzy or part of one? Being in a calm, cool and collected place? Sounds like we need to pay attention to ourselves, or inner selves to stay in a calm, cool and collected state so as not to feed the frenzy around us, and in the world. And support others around us who also want to stay calm. We can support each other in a frenzied worldwide time. Maybe our calmer energy can help to quiet the frenzied energy? Let us trust that is how this works.
As Winston Churchill said, ” Stay Calm and Carry On”.
Self-Actualization
Self-actualization, or being the best a person can be is considered one of the higher evolutionary needs of being human. Abraham Maslow, a prominent American psychologist in the 1940s developed this theory. He identified that humans had 5 levels of needs that motivate them, a hierarchy if you will. Imagine a pyramid shape, with level 1 starting at the bottom. Maslow’s theorized that there was a natural progression of needs for an individual and until one level was met it wasn’t possible to be motivated to the next level.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory states that until Basic Physiological needs (level 1) are met (having enough water, food and shelter) then a person cannot think much beyond their survival. Once Basic needs are met then Safety needs (level 2) come into focus. This includes ways to keep oneself safe through having stability, security of sorts etc. A person needs a foundation and build each level onto that. Level 3 is about Love and Belonging which is that of connection to others, intimacy, family, friends, community. Esteem is something earned over time as part of Level 4, that sense of respect, social status and recognition in the larger world but also self- esteem.
For level 5, Self-Actualization, in Maslow’s era it generally became part of one’s latter years, when one retired and had more leisure time. (Yet in recent decades with more leisure time, many people seem to get involved in self-growth and actualization well before age 65.) Maslow saw an interest for some people to question, seek in an effort to be better versions of themselves, for self-improvement and self-fulfillment. To reach self-actualization required engaging in introspection, exploration and contemplation. This is a big part of human development, motivated to seek and understand more about ourselves and the world.
To age deliciously, would this be considered level 5? With knowledge earned, certain experiences under our belt, plus more opportunity for self-exploration, would it seem remiss to not ask more of ourselves in terms of being our best? We can make time to quietly reflect and contemplate our own reactions in a situation and how we might wish them to be different ? Or if we paused we could change the direction of an interaction or our own internal awareness? What happens when we fully listen and don’t feel a need to say anything? Or what makes us feel agitated inside our body? Paying quiet attention is active when we actually are listening, feeling, checking in with ourselves in the moment. It can lead to a conscious and powerful shift.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs doesn’t assume that every person works through each level in their lifetime, particularly if their basic needs haven’t been met. Yet is a hierarchy still valid? Might now we be more likely to flow through the needs differently? Astrologist Pam Gregory suggested for example, in this current potent planetary energy, we have the opportunity to become our own spiritual hero.
The process of self-actualization might be compared to when the oyster has to deal with sand inside their shell. The sand is an irritant and the oyster wants to feel better so it works around it, eventually creating a beautiful pearl. Through discomfort and paying attention to ourselves in new and honest ways, it can lead to important changes, or pearls of wisdom. We can add these pearls to our life strand and journey. Honest self-exploration seems a healthy aspect of aging deliciously, taking the opportunity to look within, again and again.
The Idea of Deserving
In reading the novel “Sister of My Heart” by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, a line on page 301 stood out.
“… love is never about deserving, is it? Nor is hate. “
Whether this sounds like a truism or not, it seemed curious enough to ponder. We might not often think about the deserving part of feelings, like love and hate. In terms of deserving hate, what came to mind were the innocent or unprovoked ways one might be on the receiving end, like being born a certain way or in a certain place. How do these feelings manifest?
Years ago a sociology professor discussing “isms” tried to illustrate the value of being aware of our own personal worldviews. She described the worldview as the individual lens we each see through and filter our own experiences. Whether we grew up in a nuclear family, orphanage, poor, well off, healthy, sickly, male, female, skin color, country of origin etc, all those things and more make up our personal worldview and “biases” through which we experience the world. We may not want to change our worldview, but it seems important to understand what it is and own it. Our choices and behaviors emerge from our specific worldview, a worldview if not examined, we might think is everyone’s way of thinking, feeling, or responding.
We might be acting on an unexamined feeling or bias, one particular to ourselves; a micro experience rather than a larger shared view. For instance, maybe we had a strong experience with a red-haired person. We might then have an unexplored bias against anyone with red hair; maybe an aversion, never hired them, dated them etc..Or the opposite. A bias towards red haired people. Whichever, we had a feeling and then acting on it, in this case, affecting our response to red haired people.
“Knowledge is power” as the saying goes. And another one (Plato?) is “An unexamined life isn’t worth living.” Circling back on this notion …” love is not about deserving it, nor is hate.” It takes courage to invest in self-knowledge, to understand our motivations and our worldview, whether we want to make changes or not. At least we might better understand our own “love and hate” responses.
Optimism or Pessimism?
There is a saying someone said that they’d rather be an optimist and be wrong than to be a pessimist and be right. Because the time while they are optimistic they are happier and more productive up to when things may not work out. Being an optimist doesn’t mean not being realistic, informed or serious, it just can mean this is a choice or way of choosing to see possibility in a situation. Another saying that comes to mind is “Nothing was invented by a pessimist.” Invention is about creating something new that hasn’t existed in exactly that form before. It seems in difficult times new or fresh ways of seeing things are necessary more than ever, yet harder to find when we feel pessimistic. How we participate and most likely creatively solve some issues will emerge from a positive mindset and heart, especially once clutter, rubble and confusion dies down. Chaos could be seen as an opportunity?
Maybe that is a tall order. But we are in charge of our minds and hearts. Of course the energy and people around us affect, and infect us. We need to be discerning about what we allow around and into our bodies, minds and souls. That means where we spend our time, energy and resources any given day or week is what will most impact us and how we feel, think and act.
Having positive windows of time to do those things we know fill us up or calm us down are important to include as part of our day. Maybe ensure we have a positive chat with a friend, go on a brisk walk, create something, or be in nature. Whatever we love and know helps fill us up, now is the time to ensure we include that in our day-to-day. We can also be part of and invite larger circles of mutual support for ourselves. Having the right kind of support is an important aspect of change of any kind. And support can help us feel less alone and maybe more of an optimist?
Common Threads
What are some common threads we see in our own lives? Even if we have moved all over, taken a variety of jobs, or felt lost at times, there is a thread we wove throughout. Some element pulled us through our lives that can be viewed as a common thread.
Particularly in our 20s and 30s while we are trying to make sense of this “new’ world, didn’t we actively seek out people, books and experiences to gain understanding about life and living? Life is a smorgasbord of tastings and possibilities. Gradually we find what resonates for us. Or maybe fall into it. The common thread shows up in our own choices, decisions and preferences; day by day, year to year.
We have earned this place in our lives. We can remain curious and take time to contemplate the common thread running through our own lives. If our lives has many twists and turns we might wonder what is the common thread. Maybe we chose our path based on principles, or love, stability or maybe the constant was the adventure of wherever the wind blew us? We can find common threads in the tapestry of what makes our life our life. And we keep weaving.
Pondering
As we embark on a new year it can be a nice time to slow down, take stock and perhaps through our reading, watching something or conversations, we may find new ideas we want to ponder. Maybe we get a thought-provoking comment from another person or book that inspires us for the months ahead.
In rereading The Wheel of Life by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there were some stand out wisdoms she shared at the end of this, her final book. Dr. Elisabeth spent the majority of her life and practice being with and learning about death and dying while finding the beauty and love in it all.
In 1997 she wrote that the planet is in trouble, and mankind has wreaked havoc on mother earth.
Page 284 : ” I believe Earth will soon correct these misdeeds. Because of what mankind has done, there will be tremendous earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions and other natural disasters on a scale never before witnessed…and enormous casualties suffered….How else can people be awakened? What other way is there to teach respect for nature and the necessity of spirituality?”
Based on her lifetime of professional and life experience she believed she learned what matters most to those passing on. Some of her thoughts include:
You cannot heal the world without healing yourself first.
The hardest lesson to learn is unconditional love.
Everything is bearable when there is love.
My wish is that you try to give more people more love.
The only thing that lives forever is love.
It seemed Dr. Kubler-Ross wanted to underscore this message for us all as her parting gift:
The sole purpose of life is to grow. The ultimate lesson is learning how to love and be loved unconditionally.
Ageilicious 