Tag growth

Yes No

Anne 3 Comments

” When you say yes to others make sure you’re not saying no to yourself.” –– Paulo Coelho, Brazilian lyricist and novelist.

Sometimes we are asked to do something, help, run for office, to show up in some way which may be the right thing to do. Yet we also need to ask ourselves is it the right thing for me to be doing right now? It might be the right thing to do, but it actually may be better for someone else to do it, not us. That is an interesting way to check in with ourselves. In our earlier years we may not know what is the right thing for us to do for ourselves. We are still learning and figuring out that kind of stuff. We can’t learn without the experience of how some things feel or the effect they may have on us without us saying yes.

Maybe we want to be generous and kind towards others, yet again, we need to make sure our “tank” is full first. Or at least half full before we start offering our “yes” to others. This really is a reminder to check in with ourselves as we move along in our life. Our energy changes. Our inclinations toward how we can best contribute or participate changes or shifts. And the gifts we can offer as we move along in the living years changes too. We (hopefully) are a tad wiser with age, wisdom coming with knowledge and experience, and that wisdom is part of knowing when we can say yes to others without saying no to ourselves.

Frenzy

Anne 7 Comments

It feels like we are in some kind of frenzy on the planet right now. Frenzy defined as a violent agitation, mania, a craze, temporary madness or delirium. Yes, that is what it can feel like when we hear all the goings on in this moment. Sometimes it can seem hard to discern what is what. If memory serves, we are not used to so much intense calamity piled on top of one another, again and again, over and over. Part of the calamity includes a sense of chaos without any grown up style resolution or problem solving. It feels like we are being constantly pummeled with never-ending gobsmacking events worldwide. We don’t want to become numb but it also is hard to be available daily to process the latest whatever and figure out what action or response might be ours to do. With constant news of chaos and violent acts, it can feel like a hate frenzy of some sort when taken in all at once. Overload and harsh.

And what happens to a frenzy? Does it wear itself out? Get something sobering poured on it suddenly to drop the voltage? And in the face of frenzy, what do the rest of us do? What is the opposite of being in a frenzy or part of one? Being in a calm, cool and collected place? Sounds like we need to pay attention to ourselves, or inner selves to stay in a calm, cool and collected state so as not to feed the frenzy around us, and in the world. And support others around us who also want to stay calm. We can support each other in a frenzied worldwide time. Maybe our calmer energy can help to quiet the frenzied energy? Let us trust that is how this works.

As Winston Churchill said, ” Stay Calm and Carry On”.

The Idea of Deserving

Anne 2 Comments

In reading the novel “Sister of My Heart” by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, a line on page 301 stood out.

“… love is never about deserving, is it? Nor is hate. “

Whether this sounds like a truism or not, it seemed curious enough to ponder. We might not often think about the deserving part of feelings, like love and hate. In terms of deserving hate, what came to mind were the innocent or unprovoked ways one might be on the receiving end, like being born a certain way or in a certain place. How do these feelings manifest?

Years ago a sociology professor discussing “isms” tried to illustrate the value of being aware of our own personal worldviews. She described the worldview as the individual lens we each see through and filter our own experiences. Whether we grew up in a nuclear family, orphanage, poor, well off, healthy, sickly, male, female, skin color, country of origin etc, all those things and more make up our personal worldview and “biases” through which we experience the world. We may not want to change our worldview, but it seems important to understand what it is and own it. Our choices and behaviors emerge from our specific worldview, a worldview if not examined, we might think is everyone’s way of thinking, feeling, or responding.

We might be acting on an unexamined feeling or bias, one particular to ourselves; a micro experience rather than a larger shared view. For instance, maybe we had a strong experience with a red-haired person. We might then have an unexplored bias against anyone with red hair; maybe an aversion, never hired them, dated them etc..Or the opposite. A bias towards red haired people. Whichever, we had a feeling and then acting on it, in this case, affecting our response to red haired people.

“Knowledge is power” as the saying goes. And another one (Plato?) is “An unexamined life isn’t worth living.” Circling back on this notion …” love is not about deserving it, nor is hate.” It takes courage to invest in self-knowledge, to understand our motivations and our worldview, whether we want to make changes or not. At least we might better understand our own “love and hate” responses.

Mind Clutter

Anne 1 Comment

Over the years we have heard and learned more about the idea of downsizing, simplifying, decluttering or being a minimalist. Usually we are talking about our material stuff; downsizing or decluttering our homes, organizing drawers, or maybe simplifying our spending or our lifestyle. But what about our minds? There can be a lot of chatter and debris in our minds that can weigh us down, get us off track or just be exhausting. So a minimalist attitude to life might naturally include our minds because our thinking is a big part of how we function, decide, engage and experience life.

Maybe our mind is full of old clutter that we might keep cycling through just out of habit, like thinking about an event in the past the same way, over and over, seeing the same “reel” or thoughts, with no better feeling or outcome? Can we choose to be a minimalist in our thinking, at least in those areas we are aware do feel cluttered and aren’t helping us? Maybe worry, or an over analytical thinking process are some ways clutter can get piled up?

We can learn to interrupt our thoughts. It begins with first being aware of what we are doing. Without that, no change or shift is possible. Yet to imagine one’s brain as more minimalistic in terms of unwanted clutter, then that can be a beautiful endeavor. Maybe bring to mind a time when we felt relaxed or a place in nature that allows us to go “Ahhhhhhhh.” Just that pause, and notice, could help shift the mind clutter in that moment, and shows us that we can interrupt those habits.

Optimism or Pessimism?

Anne 1 Comment

There is a saying someone said that they’d rather be an optimist and be wrong than to be a pessimist and be right. Because the time while they are optimistic they are happier and more productive up to when things may not work out. Being an optimist doesn’t mean not being realistic, informed or serious, it just can mean this is a choice or way of choosing to see possibility in a situation. Another saying that comes to mind is “Nothing was invented by a pessimist.” Invention is about creating something new that hasn’t existed in exactly that form before. It seems in difficult times new or fresh ways of seeing things are necessary more than ever, yet harder to find when we feel pessimistic. How we participate and most likely creatively solve some issues will emerge from a positive mindset and heart, especially once clutter, rubble and confusion dies down. Chaos could be seen as an opportunity?

Maybe that is a tall order. But we are in charge of our minds and hearts. Of course the energy and people around us affect, and infect us. We need to be discerning about what we allow around and into our bodies, minds and souls. That means where we spend our time, energy and resources any given day or week is what will most impact us and how we feel, think and act.

Having positive windows of time to do those things we know fill us up or calm us down are important to include as part of our day. Maybe ensure we have a positive chat with a friend, go on a brisk walk, create something, or be in nature. Whatever we love and know helps fill us up, now is the time to ensure we include that in our day-to-day. We can also be part of and invite larger circles of mutual support for ourselves. Having the right kind of support is an important aspect of change of any kind. And support can help us feel less alone and maybe more of an optimist?

Common Threads

Anne Leave a comment

What are some common threads we see in our own lives? Even if we have moved all over, taken a variety of jobs, or felt lost at times, there is a thread we wove throughout. Some element pulled us through our lives that can be viewed as a common thread.

Particularly in our 20s and 30s while we are trying to make sense of this “new’ world, didn’t we actively seek out people, books and experiences to gain understanding about life and living? Life is a smorgasbord of tastings and possibilities. Gradually we find what resonates for us. Or maybe fall into it. The common thread shows up in our own choices, decisions and preferences; day by day, year to year.

We have earned this place in our lives. We can remain curious and take time to contemplate the common thread running through our own lives. If our lives has many twists and turns we might wonder what is the common thread. Maybe we chose our path based on principles, or love, stability or maybe the constant was the adventure of wherever the wind blew us? We can find common threads in the tapestry of what makes our life our life. And we keep weaving.

Versation

Anne Leave a comment

Do you remember some of your favorite conversations, if not the content, maybe the feeling after having a great conversation? That great conversation usually includes back and forth talking and listening, building on what one another has said. That way the conversation is kind of fresh for you both, or those involved, maybe growing in new directions. That is the fun of conversing. It involves curiosity, energy and attention. Conversation provides important ways we can exchange and learn new things, because we really are listening to one another, and feeling heard too. Fresh thoughts and connections can emerge that maybe hadn’t occurred to us before we were stimulated by this conversational exchange. That is how a creative solution might surface, something we couldn’t have come up with on our own.

And on the other side of that, have you wanted to be in a conversation, maybe in a group, or visiting with a friend, yet little room is left open for you to participate? Maybe a person at a party is not sharing the air, and keeps talking and slowly people drift away or their eyes glaze over? It is interesting about energy how we can be drained or energized when talking to others. What is it about the dynamic of when one person dominates and isn’t trying to draw others into that topic, it can get frustrating? Maybe the topic is personal or particular so there is little room to participate or redirect. This type of behavior is what author Susan Scott calls “Versation”. Susan provides corporate communication training and strategies dealing with the negative impact on the bottom line that can result from those who tend to talk at great length without listening, pausing, or inviting comments. The speaker is usually not aware. Or maybe is not curious about what others have to say? It is frustrating for anyone looking forward to contributing to a meeting or conversation in relevant ways. How can we participate and build up the energy if no space is left to do so? Interrupting should not be the only way to participate.

Much is lost in an organization or relationship without real exchanges. Susan Scott points out that as long as we, any of us are talking and dominating the time, we aren’t learning anything new because we are speaking about something we already know. If we want to make a shift, one technique is to make note of the time and be aware of when we last heard someone else’s voice. Some of us may need to get comfortable with silence so the pauses can breathe and others feel encouraged to speak rather than be forced to interrupt in order to converse. Without the “con” or “with others” piece, it’s a monologue rather than conversation. A versation.

Sharing Life Lessons

Anne 3 Comments

In reading a quote from Olympic coach LaTanya Sheffield, her coaching philosophy is “Share all of the life lessons and wisdom that you have.” She was talking about the athletes she works with and her daughters, yet it seems it could apply to any aspect of one’s life. Maybe we don’t think what we have to share is wise, or even a life lesson, but there are things that having more years of experience can be helpful to those a minute or two behind us on this life journey.

Maybe it is a short moment between you and a stranger. The person shares something about a challenge they are having, and you have a perspective that might prove helpful. We don’t mean offering a lecture or being bossy pants but rather how it is broached and received, this can be the act of sharing life lessons we have with those who might benefit. And by benefit we mean, if years ago someone had shared with us that same wisdom, might we have saved ourselves some grief, suffering or time? Or just not felt so alone? Perhaps all we “gain” by sharing is to ease someone through a difficult moment, and then we move on. Maybe it helps, maybe they do think about our words. Or maybe we are building capacity with another/others through a longer “relating ship”.

A life lesson is earned and can be a gift to pass along. It seems a person may not know or have perspective on their own dilemma or goal. They may be swimming in confusion, angst or overwhelm. Certainly they may not have the bird’s eye view a more experienced or wiser soul might see. If we can see something, and say something relevant, it just may be the lift or insight needed because those confused or “in it” at the moment might not know what is going to help. It can be a gift delivered and shared.

Are We Sure?

Anne 1 Comment

It seems the idea of conversation, and it’s importance is a theme here of late 🙂 Ramona, a reader, left a comment about “Fierce Conversations”, and with Maureen’s gift of that book, it has sparked this post.

Author Susan Scott of “Fierce Conversations” believes that all of our relating, be it at work or in our life, is done through one conversation at a time. Whether we are direct or careful, fully say what is on our mind, or tip toe, each conversation builds on the one before, and that is our relationship. Scott gives examples of those who just nod yes at the work meeting because the boss doesn’t take well to disagreement, yet that can lead to dire consequences for a business because no one person has the full perspective, able to see from all angles. Or someone having their head in the sand so to speak, and many others can see it, are frustrated by it, but say nothing knowing it won’t be well received.

For any of us, the idea of keeping an open mind, and to not assume our point of view is right, that is a practice many of us are challenged to do. Or may not be aware we do it. No matter our good intentions or open minded beliefs, when presented with an uncomfortable exchange, be it small or large, our habit may be to seek safer ground. Maybe we keep our voice quiet rather than explore this different point of view. The truth for each of us might seem obvious and for us has held up over time. Yet, Scott says, whatever we are sure of, don’t be. Naturally, we want to be sure of things, and life is gentler when we are agreed with or not shown something we ignore or don’t want to consider. Yet how will we be different or how will the world be the change we say we want if we aren’t open to honest conversations, meaning really sharing what is the truth in our head we don’t often say out loud? If we are careful with people because we know the emotional landmines and limits, are we learning or growing or stretched in any significant way? To some of us, this may matter, to others maybe not?

This seems a time on our earth we need to have more fierce conversations. This means to speak our truth rather than our habit to avoid the uncomfortable with our loved ones or work colleagues . It seems being willing to share our real points of view, and to hear others in a mutual way, our conversations will be more about relating, and getting to the heart of the matter for ourselves and those we come in contact. And that seems a cleaner and healthier way to live. Otherwise we end up with the consequences of all the less than fierce conversations we have had, because we couldn’t bring it up. And often then there is suffering. Maybe our’s. Maybe their’s. Maybe both.

So, whatever we are sure of, don’t be. Let’s be open to consider we don’t know or may not be right. Maybe we get fiercer, more honest so that our relationships are more connected and honest and we can act on that clarity. There is a kind way to delve and bring things up, and in doing so, it shifts old habits and lifts old burdens. Even if the answer is I don’t know or I haven’t thought about it, Scott asks, well if you did know, what would you answer or if you had thought about it…just ways to not let it drop or allow people to cop out. Not easy, but a new lens to consider.