Tag communication

Versation

Anne Leave a comment

Do you remember some of your favorite conversations, if not the content, maybe the feeling after having a great conversation? That great conversation usually includes back and forth talking and listening, building on what one another has said. That way the conversation is kind of fresh for you both, or those involved, maybe growing in new directions. That is the fun of conversing. It involves curiosity, energy and attention. Conversation provides important ways we can exchange and learn new things, because we really are listening to one another, and feeling heard too. Fresh thoughts and connections can emerge that maybe hadn’t occurred to us before we were stimulated by this conversational exchange. That is how a creative solution might surface, something we couldn’t have come up with on our own.

And on the other side of that, have you wanted to be in a conversation, maybe in a group, or visiting with a friend, yet little room is left open for you to participate? Maybe a person at a party is not sharing the air, and keeps talking and slowly people drift away or their eyes glaze over? It is interesting about energy how we can be drained or energized when talking to others. What is it about the dynamic of when one person dominates and isn’t trying to draw others into that topic, it can get frustrating? Maybe the topic is personal or particular so there is little room to participate or redirect. This type of behavior is what author Susan Scott calls “Versation”. Susan provides corporate communication training and strategies dealing with the negative impact on the bottom line that can result from those who tend to talk at great length without listening, pausing, or inviting comments. The speaker is usually not aware. Or maybe is not curious about what others have to say? It is frustrating for anyone looking forward to contributing to a meeting or conversation in relevant ways. How can we participate and build up the energy if no space is left to do so? Interrupting should not be the only way to participate.

Much is lost in an organization or relationship without real exchanges. Susan Scott points out that as long as we, any of us are talking and dominating the time, we aren’t learning anything new because we are speaking about something we already know. If we want to make a shift, one technique is to make note of the time and be aware of when we last heard someone else’s voice. Some of us may need to get comfortable with silence so the pauses can breathe and others feel encouraged to speak rather than be forced to interrupt in order to converse. Without the “con” or “with others” piece, it’s a monologue rather than conversation. A versation.

Sharing Life Lessons

Anne 3 Comments

In reading a quote from Olympic coach LaTanya Sheffield, her coaching philosophy is “Share all of the life lessons and wisdom that you have.” She was talking about the athletes she works with and her daughters, yet it seems it could apply to any aspect of one’s life. Maybe we don’t think what we have to share is wise, or even a life lesson, but there are things that having more years of experience can be helpful to those a minute or two behind us on this life journey.

Maybe it is a short moment between you and a stranger. The person shares something about a challenge they are having, and you have a perspective that might prove helpful. We don’t mean offering a lecture or being bossy pants but rather how it is broached and received, this can be the act of sharing life lessons we have with those who might benefit. And by benefit we mean, if years ago someone had shared with us that same wisdom, might we have saved ourselves some grief, suffering or time? Or just not felt so alone? Perhaps all we “gain” by sharing is to ease someone through a difficult moment, and then we move on. Maybe it helps, maybe they do think about our words. Or maybe we are building capacity with another/others through a longer “relating ship”.

A life lesson is earned and can be a gift to pass along. It seems a person may not know or have perspective on their own dilemma or goal. They may be swimming in confusion, angst or overwhelm. Certainly they may not have the bird’s eye view a more experienced or wiser soul might see. If we can see something, and say something relevant, it just may be the lift or insight needed because those confused or “in it” at the moment might not know what is going to help. It can be a gift delivered and shared.

Are We Sure?

Anne 1 Comment

It seems the idea of conversation, and it’s importance is a theme here of late 🙂 Ramona, a reader, left a comment about “Fierce Conversations”, and with Maureen’s gift of that book, it has sparked this post.

Author Susan Scott of “Fierce Conversations” believes that all of our relating, be it at work or in our life, is done through one conversation at a time. Whether we are direct or careful, fully say what is on our mind, or tip toe, each conversation builds on the one before, and that is our relationship. Scott gives examples of those who just nod yes at the work meeting because the boss doesn’t take well to disagreement, yet that can lead to dire consequences for a business because no one person has the full perspective, able to see from all angles. Or someone having their head in the sand so to speak, and many others can see it, are frustrated by it, but say nothing knowing it won’t be well received.

For any of us, the idea of keeping an open mind, and to not assume our point of view is right, that is a practice many of us are challenged to do. Or may not be aware we do it. No matter our good intentions or open minded beliefs, when presented with an uncomfortable exchange, be it small or large, our habit may be to seek safer ground. Maybe we keep our voice quiet rather than explore this different point of view. The truth for each of us might seem obvious and for us has held up over time. Yet, Scott says, whatever we are sure of, don’t be. Naturally, we want to be sure of things, and life is gentler when we are agreed with or not shown something we ignore or don’t want to consider. Yet how will we be different or how will the world be the change we say we want if we aren’t open to honest conversations, meaning really sharing what is the truth in our head we don’t often say out loud? If we are careful with people because we know the emotional landmines and limits, are we learning or growing or stretched in any significant way? To some of us, this may matter, to others maybe not?

This seems a time on our earth we need to have more fierce conversations. This means to speak our truth rather than our habit to avoid the uncomfortable with our loved ones or work colleagues . It seems being willing to share our real points of view, and to hear others in a mutual way, our conversations will be more about relating, and getting to the heart of the matter for ourselves and those we come in contact. And that seems a cleaner and healthier way to live. Otherwise we end up with the consequences of all the less than fierce conversations we have had, because we couldn’t bring it up. And often then there is suffering. Maybe our’s. Maybe their’s. Maybe both.

So, whatever we are sure of, don’t be. Let’s be open to consider we don’t know or may not be right. Maybe we get fiercer, more honest so that our relationships are more connected and honest and we can act on that clarity. There is a kind way to delve and bring things up, and in doing so, it shifts old habits and lifts old burdens. Even if the answer is I don’t know or I haven’t thought about it, Scott asks, well if you did know, what would you answer or if you had thought about it…just ways to not let it drop or allow people to cop out. Not easy, but a new lens to consider.

The Benefit of Conversation

Anne 7 Comments

Ruptures or difference of opinion in a conversation can actually strengthen our human connection when we also repair them.

Here’s a quote from Dr. Perry page 256 in his 2023 co-authored book “What Happened to You?”

“Conversation promotes resilience; discussions and arguments over family dinners and mildly heated conversations with friends are—as long as there is repair–resilience-building and empathy-growing experiences. We shouldn’t be walking away from a conversation in a rage; we should regulate ourselves. Repair the ruptures. Reconnect and grow. When we walk away, everybody loses. We all need to get better at listening, regulating, reflecting. This requires the capacity to forgive, to be patient. Mature human interactions involve efforts to understand people who are different from us. But if we don’t have family meals, don’t go out with friends for long, in-person conversations, and communicate only via text or twitter, then we can’t create that positive, healthy back-and-forth pattern of human connection. “

Conversation of this sort seems to take practice, particularly to stay with it when it might get really uncomfortable. How many of us stick around? Or know how to? More and more it can feel risky to say what we really mean or is on our mind, even to express innocent curiosity about something. Depending on how well we know someone could influence what level of risk we would want to take in a conversation. Hmmm, does this seem a different dynamic and consideration for us in 2024 than 5, 10 or 15 years ago?

If we have had an experience with someone and had ruptures of understanding, but stayed with it to do the repair, then the relationship grows and is stronger for it. We can strengthen ties to one another in real time, with face-to-face exchanges as a means to develop deeper human connection and understanding. The desire for repair needs to be mutual, yet that mutuality is a beautiful thing, truly. Are we missing out on having meaningful conversations in our day-to-day/week-to-week lives? A good conversation experience can be enlivening, energizing and connecting. Now who doesn’t want some more of that?