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The Idea of Deserving

Anne 2 Comments

In reading the novel “Sister of My Heart” by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, a line on page 301 stood out.

“… love is never about deserving, is it? Nor is hate. “

Whether this sounds like a truism or not, it seemed curious enough to ponder. We might not often think about the deserving part of feelings, like love and hate. In terms of deserving hate, what came to mind were the innocent or unprovoked ways one might be on the receiving end, like being born a certain way or in a certain place. How do these feelings manifest?

Years ago a sociology professor discussing “isms” tried to illustrate the value of being aware of our own personal worldviews. She described the worldview as the individual lens we each see through and filter our own experiences. Whether we grew up in a nuclear family, orphanage, poor, well off, healthy, sickly, male, female, skin color, country of origin etc, all those things and more make up our personal worldview and “biases” through which we experience the world. We may not want to change our worldview, but it seems important to understand what it is and own it. Our choices and behaviors emerge from our specific worldview, a worldview if not examined, we might think is everyone’s way of thinking, feeling, or responding.

We might be acting on an unexamined feeling or bias, one particular to ourselves; a micro experience rather than a larger shared view. For instance, maybe we had a strong experience with a red-haired person. We might then have an unexplored bias against anyone with red hair; maybe an aversion, never hired them, dated them etc..Or the opposite. A bias towards red haired people. Whichever, we had a feeling and then acting on it, in this case, affecting our response to red haired people.

“Knowledge is power” as the saying goes. And another one (Plato?) is “An unexamined life isn’t worth living.” Circling back on this notion …” love is not about deserving it, nor is hate.” It takes courage to invest in self-knowledge, to understand our motivations and our worldview, whether we want to make changes or not. At least we might better understand our own “love and hate” responses.

Are We Sure?

Anne 1 Comment

It seems the idea of conversation, and it’s importance is a theme here of late 🙂 Ramona, a reader, left a comment about “Fierce Conversations”, and with Maureen’s gift of that book, it has sparked this post.

Author Susan Scott of “Fierce Conversations” believes that all of our relating, be it at work or in our life, is done through one conversation at a time. Whether we are direct or careful, fully say what is on our mind, or tip toe, each conversation builds on the one before, and that is our relationship. Scott gives examples of those who just nod yes at the work meeting because the boss doesn’t take well to disagreement, yet that can lead to dire consequences for a business because no one person has the full perspective, able to see from all angles. Or someone having their head in the sand so to speak, and many others can see it, are frustrated by it, but say nothing knowing it won’t be well received.

For any of us, the idea of keeping an open mind, and to not assume our point of view is right, that is a practice many of us are challenged to do. Or may not be aware we do it. No matter our good intentions or open minded beliefs, when presented with an uncomfortable exchange, be it small or large, our habit may be to seek safer ground. Maybe we keep our voice quiet rather than explore this different point of view. The truth for each of us might seem obvious and for us has held up over time. Yet, Scott says, whatever we are sure of, don’t be. Naturally, we want to be sure of things, and life is gentler when we are agreed with or not shown something we ignore or don’t want to consider. Yet how will we be different or how will the world be the change we say we want if we aren’t open to honest conversations, meaning really sharing what is the truth in our head we don’t often say out loud? If we are careful with people because we know the emotional landmines and limits, are we learning or growing or stretched in any significant way? To some of us, this may matter, to others maybe not?

This seems a time on our earth we need to have more fierce conversations. This means to speak our truth rather than our habit to avoid the uncomfortable with our loved ones or work colleagues . It seems being willing to share our real points of view, and to hear others in a mutual way, our conversations will be more about relating, and getting to the heart of the matter for ourselves and those we come in contact. And that seems a cleaner and healthier way to live. Otherwise we end up with the consequences of all the less than fierce conversations we have had, because we couldn’t bring it up. And often then there is suffering. Maybe our’s. Maybe their’s. Maybe both.

So, whatever we are sure of, don’t be. Let’s be open to consider we don’t know or may not be right. Maybe we get fiercer, more honest so that our relationships are more connected and honest and we can act on that clarity. There is a kind way to delve and bring things up, and in doing so, it shifts old habits and lifts old burdens. Even if the answer is I don’t know or I haven’t thought about it, Scott asks, well if you did know, what would you answer or if you had thought about it…just ways to not let it drop or allow people to cop out. Not easy, but a new lens to consider.