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Self-Actualization

Anne 4 Comments

Self-actualization, or being the best a person can be is considered one of the higher evolutionary needs of being human. Abraham Maslow, a prominent American psychologist in the 1940s developed this theory. He identified that humans had 5 levels of needs that motivate them, a hierarchy if you will. Imagine a pyramid shape, with level 1 starting at the bottom. Maslow’s theorized that there was a natural progression of needs for an individual and until one level was met it wasn’t possible to be motivated to the next level.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory states that until Basic Physiological needs (level 1) are met (having enough water, food and shelter) then a person cannot think much beyond their survival. Once Basic needs are met then Safety needs (level 2) come into focus. This includes ways to keep oneself safe through having stability, security of sorts etc. A person needs a foundation and build each level onto that. Level 3 is about Love and Belonging which is that of connection to others, intimacy, family, friends, community. Esteem is something earned over time as part of Level 4, that sense of respect, social status and recognition in the larger world but also self- esteem.

For level 5, Self-Actualization, in Maslow’s era it generally became part of one’s latter years, when one retired and had more leisure time. (Yet in recent decades with more leisure time, many people seem to get involved in self-growth and actualization well before age 65.) Maslow saw an interest for some people to question, seek in an effort to be better versions of themselves, for self-improvement and self-fulfillment. To reach self-actualization required engaging in introspection, exploration and contemplation. This is a big part of human development, motivated to seek and understand more about ourselves and the world.

To age deliciously, would this be considered level 5? With knowledge earned, certain experiences under our belt, plus more opportunity for self-exploration, would it seem remiss to not ask more of ourselves in terms of being our best? We can make time to quietly reflect and contemplate our own reactions in a situation and how we might wish them to be different ? Or if we paused we could change the direction of an interaction or our own internal awareness? What happens when we fully listen and don’t feel a need to say anything? Or what makes us feel agitated inside our body? Paying quiet attention is active when we actually are listening, feeling, checking in with ourselves in the moment. It can lead to a conscious and powerful shift.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs doesn’t assume that every person works through each level in their lifetime, particularly if their basic needs haven’t been met. Yet is a hierarchy still valid? Might now we be more likely to flow through the needs differently? Astrologist Pam Gregory suggested for example, in this current potent planetary energy, we have the opportunity to become our own spiritual hero.

The process of self-actualization might be compared to when the oyster has to deal with sand inside their shell. The sand is an irritant and the oyster wants to feel better so it works around it, eventually creating a beautiful pearl. Through discomfort and paying attention to ourselves in new and honest ways, it can lead to important changes, or pearls of wisdom. We can add these pearls to our life strand and journey. Honest self-exploration seems a healthy aspect of aging deliciously, taking the opportunity to look within, again and again.

The Idea of Deserving

Anne 2 Comments

In reading the novel “Sister of My Heart” by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, a line on page 301 stood out.

“… love is never about deserving, is it? Nor is hate. “

Whether this sounds like a truism or not, it seemed curious enough to ponder. We might not often think about the deserving part of feelings, like love and hate. In terms of deserving hate, what came to mind were the innocent or unprovoked ways one might be on the receiving end, like being born a certain way or in a certain place. How do these feelings manifest?

Years ago a sociology professor discussing “isms” tried to illustrate the value of being aware of our own personal worldviews. She described the worldview as the individual lens we each see through and filter our own experiences. Whether we grew up in a nuclear family, orphanage, poor, well off, healthy, sickly, male, female, skin color, country of origin etc, all those things and more make up our personal worldview and “biases” through which we experience the world. We may not want to change our worldview, but it seems important to understand what it is and own it. Our choices and behaviors emerge from our specific worldview, a worldview if not examined, we might think is everyone’s way of thinking, feeling, or responding.

We might be acting on an unexamined feeling or bias, one particular to ourselves; a micro experience rather than a larger shared view. For instance, maybe we had a strong experience with a red-haired person. We might then have an unexplored bias against anyone with red hair; maybe an aversion, never hired them, dated them etc..Or the opposite. A bias towards red haired people. Whichever, we had a feeling and then acting on it, in this case, affecting our response to red haired people.

“Knowledge is power” as the saying goes. And another one (Plato?) is “An unexamined life isn’t worth living.” Circling back on this notion …” love is not about deserving it, nor is hate.” It takes courage to invest in self-knowledge, to understand our motivations and our worldview, whether we want to make changes or not. At least we might better understand our own “love and hate” responses.

Mind Clutter

Anne 1 Comment

Over the years we have heard and learned more about the idea of downsizing, simplifying, decluttering or being a minimalist. Usually we are talking about our material stuff; downsizing or decluttering our homes, organizing drawers, or maybe simplifying our spending or our lifestyle. But what about our minds? There can be a lot of chatter and debris in our minds that can weigh us down, get us off track or just be exhausting. So a minimalist attitude to life might naturally include our minds because our thinking is a big part of how we function, decide, engage and experience life.

Maybe our mind is full of old clutter that we might keep cycling through just out of habit, like thinking about an event in the past the same way, over and over, seeing the same “reel” or thoughts, with no better feeling or outcome? Can we choose to be a minimalist in our thinking, at least in those areas we are aware do feel cluttered and aren’t helping us? Maybe worry, or an over analytical thinking process are some ways clutter can get piled up?

We can learn to interrupt our thoughts. It begins with first being aware of what we are doing. Without that, no change or shift is possible. Yet to imagine one’s brain as more minimalistic in terms of unwanted clutter, then that can be a beautiful endeavor. Maybe bring to mind a time when we felt relaxed or a place in nature that allows us to go “Ahhhhhhhh.” Just that pause, and notice, could help shift the mind clutter in that moment, and shows us that we can interrupt those habits.

Optimism or Pessimism?

Anne 1 Comment

There is a saying someone said that they’d rather be an optimist and be wrong than to be a pessimist and be right. Because the time while they are optimistic they are happier and more productive up to when things may not work out. Being an optimist doesn’t mean not being realistic, informed or serious, it just can mean this is a choice or way of choosing to see possibility in a situation. Another saying that comes to mind is “Nothing was invented by a pessimist.” Invention is about creating something new that hasn’t existed in exactly that form before. It seems in difficult times new or fresh ways of seeing things are necessary more than ever, yet harder to find when we feel pessimistic. How we participate and most likely creatively solve some issues will emerge from a positive mindset and heart, especially once clutter, rubble and confusion dies down. Chaos could be seen as an opportunity?

Maybe that is a tall order. But we are in charge of our minds and hearts. Of course the energy and people around us affect, and infect us. We need to be discerning about what we allow around and into our bodies, minds and souls. That means where we spend our time, energy and resources any given day or week is what will most impact us and how we feel, think and act.

Having positive windows of time to do those things we know fill us up or calm us down are important to include as part of our day. Maybe ensure we have a positive chat with a friend, go on a brisk walk, create something, or be in nature. Whatever we love and know helps fill us up, now is the time to ensure we include that in our day-to-day. We can also be part of and invite larger circles of mutual support for ourselves. Having the right kind of support is an important aspect of change of any kind. And support can help us feel less alone and maybe more of an optimist?

Common Threads

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What are some common threads we see in our own lives? Even if we have moved all over, taken a variety of jobs, or felt lost at times, there is a thread we wove throughout. Some element pulled us through our lives that can be viewed as a common thread.

Particularly in our 20s and 30s while we are trying to make sense of this “new’ world, didn’t we actively seek out people, books and experiences to gain understanding about life and living? Life is a smorgasbord of tastings and possibilities. Gradually we find what resonates for us. Or maybe fall into it. The common thread shows up in our own choices, decisions and preferences; day by day, year to year.

We have earned this place in our lives. We can remain curious and take time to contemplate the common thread running through our own lives. If our lives has many twists and turns we might wonder what is the common thread. Maybe we chose our path based on principles, or love, stability or maybe the constant was the adventure of wherever the wind blew us? We can find common threads in the tapestry of what makes our life our life. And we keep weaving.

365 Blank Pages

Anne 6 Comments

On the Eve of the New Year, we face a blank slate or blank pages, 365 of them hopefully. We don’t know what is next, yet we have those opportunities of possibilities when we pay attention, even to the small things. Like taking a moment to really listen to a child or a friend, and be there. Or stopping to savor that cup of tea or coffee before a meeting, or taking a moment to notice the sky. We can miss moments all the time, seemingly looking for something else out there we deem better?

We are the writer, director, producer and lead actor in our own story. Let the story be the one we intend. Naturally we will zone out some days or times, just to take a break, but let’s not take too many breaks. Toast to the end of this year, reflect and based on those lessons or experiences, what do we want our 2025 story to be? Opportunities and possibilities await my friend.

Happy Merry Everything. xoxox

Is Aging Linear?

Anne 2 Comments

Below is a 3:50 minute clip from Ximena Abogabir, a Chilean who started Travesia 100 (Journey to 100) organization to shift myths about aging. At 70, and working all her life, she started seeing how being old and a woman became a double discrimination for her and others.

As Ximena delved deeper, she believed as we age our wisdom has value and can be elevated to the “Silver Economy” of workers and mentors. Most cultures put aging into a linear line, and once we reach 65 or beyond, the myth becomes we are less productive and valuable. What really happens is our value shifts to sharing our energy, time and earned wisdom with others in ways that elevate us all. What a lovely way to move forward into our new year!

Ximena is now 76 and her organization has 4000 volunteers. She definitely is part of Aging Deliciously. Take a look.

Offline Communication

Anne 2 Comments

This seems a funny term but one that is being used more lately. Offline communication is the idea that if more of the online and social media way of “connecting” is taken offline, meaning more personal and private way of sharing and conversing, then some of our human desire to feel closer and maybe more “seen” by one another will increase.

To those of us a tad farther down the road of life, online communication is the form we had to learn to take on, forcing replacement in many ways of the “offline”communicating that had been the norm for most of our lives. Offline communication would include all things smaller in scope and more personal in sharing nature, like phone calls, writing letters, meeting in person, and now maybe emails and texts with fewer recipients. Words like FaceTime co-opted much of our true face time, meaning meeting in person, face-to-face. We might feel we are staying in touch with more people by posting our daily activities or liking something posted, but are we? Do we feel special when someone we follow posts about their life to whomever is on their site? Is that a message particularly for us? It used to be that if we wanted to ensure loved ones knew about our life or activities we shared it personally, and that seems to be the meaning of offline communication, especially in turbulent times. And offline communication speaks to the idea of privacy, where even for work, the meeting and ideas are closed rather than open to random, possibly uninformed comments.

The main way for comfort, and tending and mending for our communities is to be personal and specific. Otherwise we can feel isolated and disconnected which can be a consequence of too much online communication. Using online communication exclusively rarely brings anyone closer, and it may not be making us more knowledgeable. Information does not necessarily lead to knowledge, but can lead to information overload and emotional fretting.

Maybe more offline communication allows for fuller and deeper conversations, and certainly more opportunity to really connect with others. We may be out of practice with offline communication, so finding some folks that are good at it and hang out with them is one way to learn. Or go on dog walks, start a conversational salon, join a book group, or just suggest going for coffee or wine with a person or people you like or would like to know better. Also at work, more offline communication may be less chaotic with fewer misunderstandings, and could help with finding better solutions because spending time communicating offline can be more patient than online. Taking more time can lead to more productive discussion, consideration, breathing space for response. And in the long run, can save time rather than revisiting the gaps overlooked.

Pauses are good. We need more pauses. We need to slow things down versus the endless stream of online communication we can be faced with and not feel in charge of anymore. Let’s take it offline, at least aim to add more offline communication to each of our days, everyday, and see how that feels. xoxo

Versation

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Do you remember some of your favorite conversations, if not the content, maybe the feeling after having a great conversation? That great conversation usually includes back and forth talking and listening, building on what one another has said. That way the conversation is kind of fresh for you both, or those involved, maybe growing in new directions. That is the fun of conversing. It involves curiosity, energy and attention. Conversation provides important ways we can exchange and learn new things, because we really are listening to one another, and feeling heard too. Fresh thoughts and connections can emerge that maybe hadn’t occurred to us before we were stimulated by this conversational exchange. That is how a creative solution might surface, something we couldn’t have come up with on our own.

And on the other side of that, have you wanted to be in a conversation, maybe in a group, or visiting with a friend, yet little room is left open for you to participate? Maybe a person at a party is not sharing the air, and keeps talking and slowly people drift away or their eyes glaze over? It is interesting about energy how we can be drained or energized when talking to others. What is it about the dynamic of when one person dominates and isn’t trying to draw others into that topic, it can get frustrating? Maybe the topic is personal or particular so there is little room to participate or redirect. This type of behavior is what author Susan Scott calls “Versation”. Susan provides corporate communication training and strategies dealing with the negative impact on the bottom line that can result from those who tend to talk at great length without listening, pausing, or inviting comments. The speaker is usually not aware. Or maybe is not curious about what others have to say? It is frustrating for anyone looking forward to contributing to a meeting or conversation in relevant ways. How can we participate and build up the energy if no space is left to do so? Interrupting should not be the only way to participate.

Much is lost in an organization or relationship without real exchanges. Susan Scott points out that as long as we, any of us are talking and dominating the time, we aren’t learning anything new because we are speaking about something we already know. If we want to make a shift, one technique is to make note of the time and be aware of when we last heard someone else’s voice. Some of us may need to get comfortable with silence so the pauses can breathe and others feel encouraged to speak rather than be forced to interrupt in order to converse. Without the “con” or “with others” piece, it’s a monologue rather than conversation. A versation.

Pro-Aging

Anne 3 Comments

Are you a pro-ager?

“…Pro-agers don’t deny their mortal state; they simply make the most of life and enhance their health in all the ways they still can. They have shown time and again that it’s possible to embrace aging for all it offers, even as we miss what it inevitably takes away. ”

In “Experience Life” magazine Jon Spayde wrote about Pro-Aging, and in his research and interviews covered some interesting themes among those people who have shifted their attitude about aging, and thus their health. In our western anti-aging culture discarding the assumptions that youth is required for vitality and age equals obsolescence, might lead one to become a pro-ager.

Naturally the aging transition can be a challenging one. Many of us want to feel good about aging, collecting relevant tips of how best to do that while letting go of negative beliefs that may get in our way. The main crux of pro-aging seems to be one’s attitude or mindset. Living in a culture that respects aging obviously helps, yet a positive outlook wherever you live can influence motor skills like balance and faster walking speed. And age can bring wisdom. We have a choice of how to use and share our earned experience. We could be negative, glass half-empty, or go with the flow, saying yes more often. Have fun! That is the pro-aging choice. The article of course includes the usual aging tips like keep moving, eat well-and a little less, improve sleep quality and stay hydrated.

As Spayde summarizes, “A pro-aging attitude, pro-aging beliefs, and proactive self-care make it easier to say yes to all that our lives still have to offer.”

(Sunflowers photo credit: Peter Jandula-Hudson)