Ruptures or difference of opinion in a conversation can actually strengthen our human connection when we also repair them.
Here’s a quote from Dr. Perry page 256 in his 2023 co-authored book “What Happened to You?”
“Conversation promotes resilience; discussions and arguments over family dinners and mildly heated conversations with friends are—as long as there is repair–resilience-building and empathy-growing experiences. We shouldn’t be walking away from a conversation in a rage; we should regulate ourselves. Repair the ruptures. Reconnect and grow. When we walk away, everybody loses. We all need to get better at listening, regulating, reflecting. This requires the capacity to forgive, to be patient. Mature human interactions involve efforts to understand people who are different from us. But if we don’t have family meals, don’t go out with friends for long, in-person conversations, and communicate only via text or twitter, then we can’t create that positive, healthy back-and-forth pattern of human connection. “
Conversation of this sort seems to take practice, particularly to stay with it when it might get really uncomfortable. How many of us stick around? Or know how to? More and more it can feel risky to say what we really mean or is on our mind, even to express innocent curiosity about something. Depending on how well we know someone could influence what level of risk we would want to take in a conversation. Hmmm, does this seem a different dynamic and consideration for us in 2024 than 5, 10 or 15 years ago?
If we have had an experience with someone and had ruptures of understanding, but stayed with it to do the repair, then the relationship grows and is stronger for it. We can strengthen ties to one another in real time, with face-to-face exchanges as a means to develop deeper human connection and understanding. The desire for repair needs to be mutual, yet that mutuality is a beautiful thing, truly. Are we missing out on having meaningful conversations in our day-to-day/week-to-week lives? A good conversation experience can be enlivening, energizing and connecting. Now who doesn’t want some more of that?
Ageilicious 
That is exactly what I needed to read! Thx Anne. Now I’ll write my brother!
I’m glad this was exactly what you needed to read. 🙂
Nicely put. 🥰
This is food for thought. I’m sitting with it. This reminds me also of Susan Scott’s book, Fierce Conversations. Sticking with the conversation that deepens the experience for all involved certainly does affirm relationships to a greater bond and/or creates another level of understanding. It takes courage and isn’t the easiest thing to do.
Thank you Ramona. I’m going to look into Susan Scott’s book, Fierce Conversations. It does take courage to go deep and it isn’t easy.
Thank you for this, Anne. After some “ruptured” conversations, I agree that if we come back to talk some more, to really listen and affirm that we’ve heard one another, we can grow together. Love you! Rebecca
it takes courage, and someone to make the courageous first move.